Adoptive Parenting: Why isn't this getting any easier

You should probably know before you read this that the purpose of this post is not to supply its readers with warm-fuzzies and heart-warming stories.  Rather, this post will be pretty raw and honest, and it might even make you feel a little discouraged, sad, or (hopefully not, but maybe) mad.  However, one thing I've learned about adoptive parenting is that I'm not alone.  So.... while some of you may read this post and have questions about how this could possibly be the case, my gut tells me I won't be the only one with these types of adoptive-parenting experiences.


So, our J-man is a stud.  He's just a super-cool kid.  He's witty, intelligent, full of life and energy, and just an absolute blast to be around.... for most people.  Unfortunately, at this stage of our journey, he's not as much of a "blast" for me to be around.

Jordan and I have been to attachment therapy once before.  It was about a year ago when we started noticing that Jordan wasn't too thrilled with participating in "normal" parent-child activities such as eye contact, snuggling/cuddling (I realize this could be related to his personality as well), physical touch (hugs, back scratches, or even just sitting next to him on the couch), and any type of "play" where Jordan had to truly engage with us (me especially).  Loooooooong story short..... through several months of therapy, we discovered that Jordan and I needed to re-learn our roles as "mom" and "son."  I had to learn how to use phrases like, "Jordan, because I love you and want to take care of you, I need you to let me hold your hand right now as we cross the street."  Jordan had to learn how to let go of some of his anxieties and let himself LOOK me straight in the eyes and USE HIS WORDS to tell me if he was afraid or frustrated or just needing some space.  Therapy was very helpful... for both of of us.  I highly recommend it.

BUT... our therapist was right when she said, "Every six months or so, you all might need a check-up; our kiddos tend to change.... just like the rest of us." :)

And here we are.

Almost a year later, and I've got a call into our therapist.  (I asked her to call back after 7:30pm so I can actually TALK.  Can I get an AMEN?!?)

We are in a new phase of the journey now.  The last month or so has revealed a new "side" of our mother-son relationship... and honestly, people, it's not all that pretty.  Now that Jordan has learned to use his words to express his feelings, he is now using those words to make VERY CLEAR his preference for all-things-Daddy and NO-THINGS-MOMMY.

One example I can give you is what just happened about 20 minutes ago in the kitchen.  Jordan and Daddy walked in from preschool (I was home with a sick little one today) and sat down to begin lunch.  I walked over to sit across from Jordan while they were eating, and I began to ask him about his day.  As soon as I am near the table, Jordan shifts drastically in his chair so that he does not have to face me in any way, and he starts to get emotional, saying, "Mommy!  Daddy is sitting here with me.  Please leave me alone!"  At least he's polite.

A few minutes pass... Jordan asks me if he can have some juice.  I say yes and begin to walk his way to get him more juice.  He immediately retreats saying, "I don't want any juice or water or anything!"  He does not want me to be anywhere near him.  At.  All.

Now....  picture this happening often.... like at least 3-4 times a day.... and ESPECIALLY when Daddy is home.  It's starting to wear on me.

Here are some observations I've made:
1.  I wonder if Jordan is associating my physical touch with discipline.  Because I am the main disciplinarian (I'm home all day, every day with the kiddos), I often have to use my hands to carry out discipline.  For example, if Jordan is talking with disrespect, I give him a warning, and then if it continues, I usually place my hand firmly under his chin and remind him that we only speak with respect in our house.  To be clear, Daddy firmly carries out these rules too, but because I am with the boys 95% of the time, I'm usually the one with the "firm" hands, so to speak.

2.  I wonder if Jordan is reacting to my relationship with little bro.  Our little Lincs is a snuggly-bear... always has been.  He is in my lap ALWAYS.  That's just where he likes to be.  Is Jordan jealous?  Is Jordan trying to cover up that jealousy with over-independence?  I have no clue here... just brainstorming.

3.  I wonder if this is a phase.  Is Jordan trying to test his boundaries with me maybe... like any other "independent" 4 year old?  Again, I have no clue because I have never had a 4 year old before.

4.  I wonder if there is some pain, fear, or anxiety from Jordan's past that is making an appearance right now in the form of "push-Mommy-away-ness."  I also wonder if there are sensory issues involved here.  We have been through that therapy as well.... but maybe it's time to go back.

5.  I wonder if Jordan and I just need more space during the day?  I wonder how he would do in a full-day transitional kindergarten next year, where he gets to be "away" from Mommy during most of the day and then Daddy and Mommy get to be more of a "tag-team" in discipline in the evenings and on the weekends.  Have I mentioned yet that I have absolutely no clue... I'm just processing some thoughts here. 



So..... now you know why I have a call into our therapist. :)

One thing I know for sure: Jordan Bezuneh Head is a precious gift from God, and I will never, ever, ever be the same because I get to be his mom.  I wouldn't change that for the entire world.  And, I'm sure I can get an AMEN from all of you on that one. :)